Monday, March 31, 2008

Post 400. All is Vanity.

I seem to be at an odd place in my life. Lately I have had a serious issue with depression and anxiety, to the extent that I have been immobilized. Lately it is hard for me to do anything. I have been pretty much stuck, although I have been playing a hell of a lot of guitar, which has moved me to other levels on the instrument, both acoustic and electric. I need to get away and clear my head. Lots of things have been going on. Katie is getting ready to make a decision for college and we are going to be doing a few quick trips this coming month to check a few things out. It's also picking up at the store, and to be quite honest I don't know how much more I can handle in the capacity of retail. I left once a few years ago. It felt good to get away. I need to do it again. I need to take a leave of absence. I have to figure out what to do now that Katie is leaving the nest. This is a crossroads to be sure. Once Katie is situated in the university of her choice, I can't really see a reason to hang around Myrtle Beach. This place has never felt like home to me. It still doesn't. It has been a great place for Katie to grow up. For that I am grateful, but there was never anything holding this place dear to me. I work for my Father-in-law. He was kind enough to give me a job when I got laid off from Capitol Records and we decided to move here to raise Katie away from L.A. I am having an extremely hard time getting excited about waiting on people in the store. It's just about too much for me. I have completely lost interest in cigars and tobacco. That's not a good thing to happen if you work in a world-class cigar shop. I have been in a few bands down here but nothing ever really amounted to much. As a matter of fact I was pretty disillusioned with the state of the music scene (or lack of it) just about as soon as I got involved with it when I moved here from Los Angeles in 1992. That in itself is daunting to me. The fact that we have been here about sixteen years makes me shake my head in disbelief. Where the time went is anyone's guess. I don't know where I am going with this but I needed to clear the air. I am truly grateful for my family and all the great friends I have made here, but I am rethinking the whole thing. Maybe I just need to hit the road for a while and come back refreshed. Lot's of maybes from me right now. I own the responsibility for my actions and my choices. I alone am to blame for my enervation. Right now I am praying for guidance. I am learning to trust the song of the spirit again. I am learning to resonate in harmony with my nature and to listen for the answer in the stillness. It's been a long time since I listened. I am listening now.

No comments: